Rasheed Wallace Joins The Knicks: A Timeline

Rasheed Wallace, seen here in his performance as Blue Edwards in his one-man off-Broadway play

October 2012: Rasheed Wallace signs a contract with the New York Knicks. General Manager Glen Grunwald explains the move by saying “the secret of basketball is that it’s not about basketball” over and over before a possibly-intoxicated James Dolan drags him away.

November 2012: The Knicks lose a close home game to the Celtics. Rasheed earns 4 technical fouls in this game alone. He has already accumulated 20 on the season.  Carmelo Anthony begins to write emotional poetry in an Invader Zim notebook.

December 2012: Dissatisfied with his team’s performance, Rasheed decides to double-down like he did in his heyday.  All signs of happiness disappear from Carmelo Anthony’s eyes, and there are reports that he occasionally spends whole nights paying cab drivers just to drive around for a few hours.

January 2013: Now at 58 technical fouls for the year, Rasheed Wallace picks up a copy of the New York Post.  He becomes self-aware.

February 2013: Iman Shumpert returns from injury, causing Amar’e Stoudemire to reevaluate his life’s priorities. Carmelo Anthony becomes increasingly distant from teammates and reality, culminating in his abject refusal to receive passes.  He is benched by Mike Woodson, whose beard now reaches the floor.

March 2013: Rasheed’s growing presence in the local theater community ends horribly and he has resorted to self-parody, earning 8 technical fouls in the first quarter, after first shooting 2-15 in four minutes.  Carmelo Anthony refuses to get on the team plane back from Atlanta, whispering “i am what i once was” and “spiders in my intestines.”

April 2013: The Knicks are eliminated in the playoffs by the Miami Heat in three games.  The fourth game is forfeited after Carmelo Anthony refuses to relinquish his perch atop the home team’s backboard.  Iman Shumpert requests a trade to CSKA Moscow.  Amar’e Stoudemire returns from his basketball hiatus, only to retire after Mike Woodson sets fire to the locker room.

May 2013: Rasheed Wallace is hired as General Manager of the New York Knicks.
Tucker Warner is a writer for Hoop City Blog. Find him on Twitter at @twarner50.